Several Interviews with Gallatin Students
An Inside Look at a Very Silly Group of People
On entering 1 Washington Place, home to the Gallatin School of Individualized Study, one is immediately brought face-to-face with an eccentric group of people. The student body, while extremely diverse, is united under a shared set of priorities which include wasting money and smelling bad. I sat down with a few of these neuro-divergents (Not pejorative) to discuss their academic ambitions, and to gain a greater sense of what Gallatin is all about.
Amelia Gendry, class of 2028, Major: the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter
Do you find your choice of major academically fulfilling?
Yeah, at first I wasn’t sure, but there’s way more to the sorting hat than you’d think.
Is much of your research focused on J.K Rowlings’ Books?
Well, really it’s mostly the movies. I find them a lot more… entertaining? People always go so crazy when they find out I haven’t read the books.
Are you worried about your future job prospects?
Oh my god! I don’t even want to think about it. I’m gonna be so broke after college!
What do your parents do?
My Mom is a homemaker and my Dad is the King of Luxembourg.
Charles Poosan, class of 2027, major: Public Fornication
Did you have any apprehensions when you first decided on your major?
Ha, if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that… the answer is no, frankly. I was never interested in anything else.
And your parents? What did they have to say about your majoring in Public Fornication?
Well… my Dad has always been really supportive. He knows how much my major means to me, especially because… well, I lost my Mom to Public Fornication.
Your mother is dead?
No, she’s in jail.
Elizabeth Mandel, Class of 2027, major: Processing Your Parents Divorce
So Elizabeth, you’re a sophomore now… have you made any progress in your major?
Yes! Thank you so much for asking, I love being interviewed, haha! I have made a lot of progress, I think. Like I’ve learned a ton, you know? Like, for instance, my final project last year was shaving my head and threatening self-harm on my dead Grandma’s Facebook account.
That doesn’t sound healthy.
Haha, no it wasn’t. But I wouldn’t have known that if I didn’t—you know—do the whole scientific process on it.
Are those Fireball shooters in your pocket?
You are such a Fucking bitch. I’m gonna tell everyone all the stuff you’ve done.
Did your parents get divorced because you have Borderline Personality Disorder?
I don’t know, I have literally never gone to a class.
Gollum Fancypants, Class of 2025, major: Changing My Name
So, Gollum—
I prefer Mr. Fancypants.
Okay. Mr. Fancypants… I’m slightly confused about your course of study.
That isn’t a question.
Well, what exactly do you do all day?
I change my name.
But isn’t it a pretty straightforward process?
You sound unbelievably ignorant. Sure, it’s a “straight forward process” to change your name once. I’ve already changed my name nine times. Do you think it’s easy to invent a reason to switch your name for the tenth time? A reason that the court will believe? I am constantly workshopping excuses. Between that and dealing with the post-office, I have way more than an average student’s class-load.
What will be your next name?
Leviticus Poop.