The Bustin' Ass On Buddhism Introductory Newsletter

By Aidan Shnetnick

I was fucked up with desire just like you. I wanted cars, money, beautiful women, pants; possessions that said: “I’m the best. I got the most stuff.” But I didn’t know how to get this “stuff.” I was a loser: unemployed, single, skinny-fat. Then, I discovered Zen Buddhism. The year after I became a Buddhist, I made $340,000. I had a 6-pack and a girlfriend who looked like Sally fuckin’ Sweeney. All this, from walking in the light of The Buddha and applying his teachings to sell used cars. Thank you for subscribing to the Bustin’ Ass on Buddha newsletter. Let’s begin.

One of the first things they teach you are the “Four Noble Truths,” which are the most useful sales tools I've ever come across in my life. The first truth is this: everybody suffers. I suffer. You suffer. Hell, JD freakin’ Vance might even suffer. Once you accept that misery is essential to life, you can use that knowledge to move cars.

Lemme tell you a story. Guy walks into my dealership and says “Uhhh? DUuuhhhh? Do you work here?” I put my hand on his shoulder, hard, and I said: “buddy, I own the place.” That guy? He left. Didn’t buy shit. Called me abrasive. And you know what? That hurt. Hurt real bad. But I kept grinding, ‘cause I knew that suffering was part of the human experience. Next.

Truth two. This one is that de-sire is the root of all suffering. And how do you stop de-si-er? By getting the shit you want. Dawg, the Buddha was a freakin’ king! He had tons of stuff, but he didn’t even want it. No, he didn’t want gold, he didn’t want chalices, he wanted enligh-ten-ment. So he went out and he fucking took it.

That’s truth three: “desire can be overcome.” Buddha did it. Guess what? I did it too. Lemme tell you a story. I was fat… my whole life. Trust me, brother, I looked disgusting. I hated every single part of my body. And I’d see guys with muscles, pecs, quads, shoulders, and I wanted that. I wanted that bad. So I focused, and I dedicated my life to achieving that physique, and today? After ten years? I am close to where I wanna be. That’s Buddhism.

Now truth four is a bitch. Truth four is “The Eightfold” path. I know, I know what you’re thinking. I felt the same way: “Eight folds?! How ‘bout… two?” But each fold represents a different step on the path to self-realization and dolla-dolla bills. I’ve done in-depth analysis on the Eightfold path, and that can be accessed with purchase of my online course, "Being the Best Buddhist.” for 277.99.

But how do you “be buddhism?” How do you, working your job, taking your shit pay, with your ugly wife… how do you get to Buddha? It starts with a little something we call meditation. Yeah, I was skeptical too. I said, “meditation? You mean that shit they make you do after you call your coworker the r-word? I’m o-kay.” Turns out, that’s mediation. Meditation is totally different, and I tried it. Right before the biggest sales networking event of my life, I meditated for five minutes, just five minutes using a cute lil AI cartoon dog voice on my phone. I sat down and I did a guided meditation. And I’ll tell you, by the end of that day, I had 15 new contacts. That’s 15 new contacts, all because of mindfulness and the Eightfold Path.

So how is my life? How is it to have achieved what all men desire? It’s good. Brother, it’s damn good. Lemme tell you a story. My girlfriend, the other day, looked at me and she said “You have the biggest penis of any guy I’ve dated.” That’s what the Buddha was trying to tell us: achievement, success, being the best… that shit feels good. If you want to change your life, if you want to walk along the Eightfold path and overcome desire, step one: buy my book. It’s called “Salesman’s Nirvana: Using Hypertrophy to Build Muscle,” and it’s only 71.99. Aidan out.