Transcripts from our Aborted Podcast
Would you guys listen to this?
Some time ago, a friend and I had the idea to start a podcast. To practice we recorded a few episodes which were never released. Although the audio has been destroyed, our producer surprised me with painstakingly taken minutes of our conversation. The following has been translated from shorthand.
Pod 1:
Abe: What’s up, squad? This is the Abe Shapiro and Sam Timothy podcast
Sam : And I’m the mystery Co-host.
Abe: I said your name already.
Sam (off mic) : Hey, relax.
Several minutes of silence
Abe: Shit, brother. We don’t even have a got-damn name for this jazz yet… how bout “The Cookout?”
Sam: Don’t talk like that.
Abe (clears his throat, chokes a little on swallowed phlegm): like what?
Sam: never mind
Abe: So, what do you think are like, the most GOATed Jordans?
End of day one. Equipment malfunctioned and Sam felt off comedically.
Pod Two :
Sam: Welcome to the non-stop shop for all your comedy, current events and—
Abe: —One-stop shop.
Sam: Heh?
Abe: It’s one-stop shop, you said non-stop shop.
Sam (off mic): you sound fucking stupid.
Abe (off mic, tearfully) : Are you joking?
Sam: Sorry. Technical difficulties. Yeah, cuz my co-host is technically [redacted]!
Abe: Debra go ahead and redact that.
Sam: Why‘s she writing things down if we’re recording?
Abe: I don’t know, I thought it’d be good in case we lost it.
Sam: You thought, huh? Mr. Fucking-[Redact] thought he had a good idea?
Abe: …What’s like, an S-tier marvel movie?
Sam: You’re fucking disgusting. Your nose is running into your mouth, you little sexual pervert. I know the shit you like to do and it’s gross.
Abe: Let’s call it for today I don’t feel good anymore.
End of day two. Abe Facetimes his mom, Sam tries to kiss Debra. The police are called.
Pod 3:
Abe: I’m Abe Shapiro and this is the Beef Party Podcast.
Sam: I’m just so fucking sorry man…
Abe: It’s okay, dawg.
Sam: And Debra, there’s no excuse for the way I acted. You’re such a valued member of this squad… I flippin’ worship you.
Abe: Alright, dawg. What are like, your top five Halloween Candies?
Sam: I just do those fucking pills and then I come down and mfs seem so annoying. It’s like a dopamine thing I think. Stick with me bro don’t abandon me due to media pressure.
Abe: I’m putting Butterfingies at the S-tier—
Sam: Sometimes I just look at where our country is and I want to do something about it forreal. All these mfs just sit around and talk about ideas where really we need revolutionary acts.
Abe: Yeah the government basically doesn’t do jack-squat.
Sam: That’s why a dude like Donald Trump is appealing because he deadass does stuff. I fuck with his swag too.
Abe: yes
Sam: I don’t care if I get cancelled I’m voting for Donald Trump and advising our listeners to do the same. Debra vote for D-trizzy. Debra. Debra. Debra. Hey Debra.
End of day 3 (November 3rd 2024) Sam leaves the podcast after Debra rejects his marriage proposal. Abe moves home, tends to cattle. 10 years go by. Sam Facetimes Abe with his new Cyber-glass phone device. They talk about old times, Debra comes up. She’s married; pregnant too, Sam heard. Jeez, ole Debra went and got herself hitched, huh? Who’s the lucky guy? A lady? haha— yeah sometimes I forget they can do that. What do you mean? I just meant it’s silly. No not homophobically I just forget. Was kidding about that. We should get Beef Party going again. You live with Debra and her wife? She doesn’t want to talk to me anymore? I’m on speakerphone? Oh gee wiz LMFAO